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Ive been thinking by ~Zoomology:iconZoomology:

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©2009 ~Zoomology
:iconzoomology:

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WARNING: JACK ASS EMO RANT

This is going to be so long, wtf. All I'm doing is brain storming to myself what to do next, I don't even know why I'm posting this - as if it'll make me feel better.

Feel free to ignore this, I'm simply talking to myself.





My grandpa died on June 26th. Barely 10 days later my uncle was hit by a car on his motorcycle, going home to nab the car to pick up his wife at the air port.

Both days I was at parties and no one bothered to call me because they didn't want to ruin my fun.

I feel like a selfish, weak, idiot. My dad hasn't shed a tear (unless I haven't seen) even though I know he has it the worst while I sit here crying my stupid face off - I don't even know why I'm crying so hard. Crying isn't going to solve anything but here I am, gallons of salty tears spewing out of my eye sockets. I'm such a cry baby, I wish I could be tougher (especially since I didn't talk to my uncle that much.) I feel like a fucking jack ass because when my dad comes to pick me up saying "I have bad news" the first thing I ask is if Sabrina, my old dog, died. When my dad picked me up today saying he had bad news I immediately asked "OH GOD, DID BEANIE DIE?!" and starting sobbing, then my dad said "Uncle Geeb is dead." and I gave a stunted look until I gave a stupid, immature loud sob. (Poor neighbors, FFTT.)

I worshiped the ground my grandfather walked on. He was my hero, and I still remember bragging at school about him - during class introductions I would always go "My grandfather is a hermit in Maine, and I wanna be just like him when I grow up!" Last time I visited, he could barely move around the house, nevertheless draw, but I remember sitting behind the counter, behind my grandfather and he was drawing my cousin and her mother go through my grandmother's (who has passed away before) belongings and drawing them.

Man, I got so jealous, HAHA. After that I tried to make myself look busy around him to see if he would draw me. But I'm not sure if he ever did. I really hope I get that picture.

When I was little, I met a girl in Maine. I don't remember her name but we spent all day on the beach trying to catch little critters and climbing on rocks. When we got back to my grandfather's little shanty we wanted to wash our hands. He pointed us to a bucket near a faucet connected to the barn he stored things in. When we walked over, we turned and replied "But it's pitch black!"

And he said, "I wash my face in it everyday, It's fine!"


During that trip, I vaguely remember him telling me about flies. I ran into a giant swarm of flies, and when I got free I plopped down next to him. He said to me something to the effect of "Do you know what they're doing?" pointing to the flies. I asked "What?" and he said something like "Those are all male flies, waiting for a female to fly in so they can all try to get her pregnant."

FFF I still tell that to my friends whenever we see swarms of flies.

On the same trip, he gave me a painting his father did. My relatives told me he NEVER gave away paintings by his father. Later, He told me I was his favorite granddaughter. I asked my mom because, well, don't all grandparents say that? And she told me that it was true because I was the only grand kid who didn't treat him like a stinky old crazy coot, HAHA. I guess that was uplifting.

Last time I went back East was when I was 15, I think. I wanted to ask my grandpa so many things, I wanted him to teach me to paint, I wanted to watch him draw...didn't want to watch "Family Feud" for 4 hours, but did anyway - I regret not asking him to tell me stories about my dad. I guess I don't really know much about him, and I rather not ask right now. But even at age 15, I worshiped that man.

I regret not being able to show him any of my actual GOOD drawings. Tom and Jerry was his favorite cartoon, and ever since I could remember I wanted to try and draw them for him.

now it's too late.

nice job, alex.

We took a picture of all of us: Grandpa, my uncles, me, another niece and my mother. They all said "This is probably the last picture we'll have of us all together!" Though of course we all denied it.

I kind of want to stab myself in the eyes thinking it was true.




My uncle, I didn't know him too well. I actually don't remember much since I live on the other side of the continent, but I do remember he used to let me watch South Park as a little kid. I remember one day leaving to go back home, and his wife saying "YOU LET HER WATCH SOUTH PARK, NICK!?"

My mother wants me to write a letter to her daughter, but what am I suppose to say? "Hey there, cousin! We haven't spoken for 6 years but sorry about your dad!" Maybe it's just me, but I dislike it when people say "I'm sorry" for something they didn't do. But I guess, what else is there to say? I just don't want to be like everyone else, telling her "Sorry, it'll be okay" because it wont. Everything changes when your father dies - when anyone dies.

His daughter goes to college in New York. My dad's other brother has a daughter that goes to some, expensive OMFGGENIUS college on all scholarships and I look at myself.

My uncle's must be so proud of their daughters, and then there's me. I don't get good grades, I'm not the least bit intelligent, I'm lazy, I'm not motivated - my dad used to get into fits and yell at me for being a shitty daughter. My mom would hear all of this and did nothing.

pftt no wonder i have no self esteem

but really, all I want to do with my life is make them proud. when my mom talks on the phone with my aunt, I don't want to hear "All she does is draw, thats all she does." in some horrible tone and talk about how stupid I am. I want her to brag to my aunt how I tutored foreign kids, how i worked at a wild life center, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T DO ANYTHING GOOD BUT SOMETHING

Just how I don't suck.

I'm going to be a senior next year. what am I going to do? I have to go to a community college, which isn't bad. I just don't want to get left behind. I want people to stop treating me like an idiot because I can't get into a four year. Fuck, I don't even know how I'm going to pay for any of this shit. I hate thinking about college, but I need to. I need to do SATS, pass the math WASL and stop failing.

FUCK WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE? I want to be a comic artist but god knows that'll never happen. Fuck it, I don't feel like I have a future.

pft i don't know what else there is to say right now. I think I'm just going to go to bed. My teeth and head hurt so bad, my eye balls are about to fall out of my face and I'm going to the dentist tomorrow for my jaw lock. Fuck I hope it's not tetnus, just something innocent.

idk how innocent jaw lock can be but oh god whatever

sorry for acting like a complete jack ass, at least I feel like one

tl;dr: Life sucks.

shit guys i have so many pictures to draw for people. i'll do them eventually

oh and the little guy there is hye yuen

yeah anyway

back to the main question,

what the hell am I suppose to write in this letter to my cousin?

Comments


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:iconeliciaelric:
=EliciaElric Jul 5, 2009, 10:39:04 PM
I read it all :c
I REALLY WISH I COULD JUST
I don't know, be god and heal your pain and all but unfortunatley I can't do that. Seriously having like, this much hurt I want to hug you so bad :C I hope you get motivated and believe in yourself more and I reaallly don't know what you should write to your cousin seeing as all people really can say is sorry.
Baby if you ever need to vent to me I'm here and stuff and you are not a stupid idiot, your parents shouldn't say things like that they should actually tell you good things and motivate you in good ways. I hope you feel better you being sad Alex, it really breaks my heart ;_;

--
I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU KITTAN IMMA LET YOU FINISH-- BUT KAMINA HAD ONE OF THE BEST ANIME DEATHS OF ALL TIME
:iconmiriellechan:
~MirielleChan Jul 5, 2009, 10:46:48 PM
A picture is worth a thousand words. Draw her something pleasant instead of trying to come up with trite old words that are meant to express sorrow.

I really wish that I could do something for you, but as I cannot drive and my parents are busy with their own business, I can't. But just know that if I were able to, I would totally come over and hang out with you, and be there for you. As this is impossible for me physically (unless I walked, but that would just be a Bad Idea), instead I offer you my support through this great beast we call the Internet.

You know me. You know that I'm on all the time. If you ever want to talk about whatever, shoot me an IM. It can be about whatever you want; sad things, happy things, silly things, stupid things, I don't care. I just... want you to know that, if you feel like talking to somebody to get something off your chest, or even to get your mind off of something, I'm (almost literally) always here for you.

Stay strong. The world is what you make of it. If you don't think you have a future, then of course you can't do anything. But if there's something you want to do - comics, art, travel, whatever - it's up to you to make it possible. You want to do a comic? Draw a comic. It doesn't matter if it's bad or good. Any experience is experience. Some of the best lessons come from our own attempts, whether they fail or are successful. In the end, even if you have nothing physical to show for your work, at least in mind you can think, "I did something wrong with this, but next time if I do this instead, it might work out better." Even if that doesn't work, you'll know for a fact that it doesn't, and in the long run things not to do are just as important as things to do.

This is getting a little long-winded, isn't it? I'll stop for now. But tl;dr I'm here for you and don't give up on your dreams. We'll make a comic artist out of you yet.

Please don't give up.

--
Subliminal messages are soo popular right now! Though the credit obviously goes to me
:iconmekimek:
~Mekimek Jul 5, 2009, 11:03:49 PM
There are so many things going through my head right now, so excuse me for the little lack of organization in my words.

I'd say "I'm sorry to hear that" or something, but I guess this isn't what you want to hear. This is what a lot of people say, because even though it's not related to them, they can still feel some compassion for the pain the other person is going through. I don't know if I should even be writing this, seeing how I'm a stranger to all this, but I just don't want to abandon you.

Sure, death is a horrible, horrible thing. Seeing how two of these happened, one can understand why this is affecting you so much. I know the situation is terrible, there is much pain, there is much loss, but there is no END. I feel as though you're grouping all these problems into a wall in front of you to stop going forward. I read all this and I felt so much from it that I would even cry tears for you, for myself, but I also found this beautiful seeing how it's your tribute to them, a letter to say how much you loved them.

As cheesy as this may sound, it's just the cycle of life and that's just what everyone goes through and also witness from others. Sure, the feeling is horrible, but such stories make you think and meditate about them. It can only make you a more solid person, one who knows more, realized more, sympathizes more, hopefully.

About other things in life, I believe, at least I hope so, that nothing occurs by coincidence. Not everybody bloom right from the beginning. If you're not confident with what you're doing now, different events in your life will surely bring you somewhere. You'll witness more, see more what ways that you can take, notice the different opportunities offered to you. I do know what you mean. My mom is highly unsupportive of my drawing hobby and I went through some ugly times, crying so much my face was stuck from all the muscle spasm. My sister said that it's probably just written somewhere that you'll have to go through this and that and that perhaps, by going through these hardships, you will be able to see what you haven't before. My teachers jumped when I told them my age, saying that I still have my whole life in front of me, making errors here and there and being confused about where you want to head is all too normal. You're younger than me and you have so much talent already. It's only something you have to be proud of. If you're not good at school, if you really like to draw, then just keep going and see if there isn't something different that you can do that you never thought about before. Being so young, it's to be understood you haven't seen all there is.

I... just don't know where I'm going anymore and I'm too exhausted to re-read what I said to see if I made any sense. But I hope you at least felt my intention. :T

With much love.
:icontwilighttoaster:
=TwilightToaster Jul 5, 2009, 11:26:31 PM
all i can do is fucking INTERWEBS HUG :hug: :hug: :hug:

LAME.

:icontissueplz: < there if you need it. >:

--
as through this life you travel, you meet some funny men.
some rob you with a six-gun, some with a fountain pen.
:icondayea:
=dayea Jul 6, 2009, 1:16:56 AM
Poooooooe ;__; /huggles youuuu :hug::heart:

Everything may seem bad right now, but I'm sure it will be all right~ I'm sure your Grandpa and Uncle are in better place now... probably enjoying a cup of Heaven coffee or something, watching you guys ;u;

It's good that you posted this up, and I hope it made you feel better even if a little bit. Your Grandpa seems fun, despite sound like a crazy old man lol /shot

I admire you because despite feeling so sad and all, you still manage to think how to cheer up your cousins. As for what to say, just say what you feel is appropriate. I always go "condolences", but... yeah.

And I totally went through that my mom hates my drawing-related course =v= ;;; In my family, both father and mother side, I'm the only one who took a course that's art-related and was kind of labeled as a black sheep 'cause they're all science or math related careers. It was hard, but you just have to show them that you can totally do this and stand on your own. With enough determination and patience, I'm sure you'll do just fine. You're still young and still have time to think what you want. No need to rush yourself or you might end up rushing your decision as well. Take your time. Who knows? You might have this once in a lifetime event that will make you see what you REALLY want to do and motivate you : )

And hope you go to the ER/Dentist soon ;__; IF I WASN'T IN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WOOOORLD I WOULD |||OTL


sobs Daddy is not good at this kind of things |||OTL but hugs you anyway
:iconzoomology:
~Zoomology Jul 6, 2009, 8:00:28 AM
Aww, ;_; Spat, you're so sweet :heart: -INTERNET HUG AND HUGS MONITOR- A strange, yet manly, embrace. Everyone is writing such nice things, I have no idea what to say other then "thank you" BUT THAT'S NOT VERY LONG, HAHA. But really, Spat, thank you so much. ;_;; Your words mean a lot to me. ILU BBY
:iconzoomology:
~Zoomology Jul 6, 2009, 8:09:01 AM
Oh man, that's a pretty good idea, haha. Hopefully I can do something that's not crap and embarrassing. Dx

Oh the woes of physical presences, haha. OTL I will build a teleporting machine one day, I swear it. -shakes fist- Even though you're not here next to me, I know you care. And your words really do make me feel a lot better ;_;; Even if you're not here, intentions speak a lot more, at least for me anyway.

Oh you, haha. <3 We should totally talk more often - especially since it's summer. Bed time? What's that?

I'm actually feeling better, especially with everyone leaving such wonderful comments for me, haha. ;_; I was afraid I'd wake up to none. I think it was simply a day to take this all in, usually I find myself attempting to be as optimistic as possible, and after a (kind of) good night sleep (had to wake up at 7am, FFFWHAT IS THIS?) it feels a lot easier to see things through a brighter perspective. Thank you so much for your encouragement and friendship, Dani. I really appreciate everything.
:iconzoomology:
~Zoomology Jul 6, 2009, 8:22:44 AM
Ahh ;_; When I saw this I almost wanted to cry, haha. Sometimes hearing words from people you don't normally talk to is uplifting, it shows that even if you're not close friends, or even friends at all, people do care and do go out of their way.

Man, I don't really know what to reply other then "holy crap, you're the sweetest person ever." Especially having to write a giant essay on your birthday. I'm really at a loss for words, haha. But you're right, there isn't really an "end" to it all - and I need to keep remembering that. I usually have the logic of thinking "well, things could be worse" but I suppose that's still a bit of a negative perspective, looking at how worse things could be rather then seeing what's good, I'm sure this isn't the right term, but counting the blessings - seeing that I still have two hands to draw, still two eyes to see what I'm doing, etc. Whatever doesn't kill me will just make me stronger -fist pump-

I don't know what's up with parents @_@;; They always tell you to do what you love, but end up breaking your heart when they don't approve of what you do. Haha, yeah, I guess half of the population at my age are wondering and worrying about the future. But I guess worrying doesn't really do much, just keep going with your head held high. Even if you're not that confident, if you show it, I guess you can really get far.

Thank you so much, Ruki. ;_; Seriously, I'm about to cry -loser- Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, it means to much to me right now. You're a really great person and I hope to get to know you more (looks like I picked the right person to stalk :'D) I'm sorry you had to write something like this on your birthday OTL I hope it was a good one. <3 thank you again. :heart:
:iconfuwaraido:
~Fuwaraido Jul 6, 2009, 8:37:55 AM
YOUR FUTURE IS TO LIVE WITH ME. ;A;

--
I'm ready to slit some throats!
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